This past few months has been quite challenging as my family is learning to deal with a new rescue. That’s right, it’s me! So, I’m not a cute fuzzy animal or a sweet chirping bird…just a wee woman as myself as their newest patient.
Ok, so they’ve known me for a long time…so I’m not quite new to them, but what they are dealing with is. (or is it?) As Doctors scramble around trying to diagnose me, my limbs get weaker and I’ve learned a new challenge in life. The term Fibromyalgia has been given out, but not diagnosed. Pain management is their main concern now. For the symptoms I have are vast and fit many illnesses. I suppose, currently, I carry Dis-Ease enough to shut my body down for a while. I could suppose with all I have witnessed in life and still witness, I would have quite a bit of Dis-Ease within me.
Our cats even act differently around me. Our youngest deaf boy chatting up a storm with me with his deeeeeeep meow. How he loves on me and my baby Sui, always kneading where I hurt, which is new. I wake up to 4 kitties and sometimes 5, if our shyest boy comes to lay with me. They see it and know it. I even think some of the birds outside understand too. As I’ve had a few visits while sitting on my deck, trying to ignore the pain. Visiting during my time with YHWH, just sitting and learning to relax.
During this past few months I have had a lot of time to reflect upon life. I have not had an easy one, and I remember when I would complain constantly about how bad it was. In hindsight, I was a completely spoiled brat without being surrounded by material wealth. Yes, I was a spoiled brat in the fact that I had survived so much, no one could tell me what to do or think. If they did, I had more than a few choice words. Then YHWH came into my life and humbled me. Maybe I need a lot more humbling.
I sometimes wonder if perhaps my life journey is the gift, and yes, I do mean gift, of experiencing the negative to understand and be grateful for the positive. What if it is to experience suffering in many forms to perhaps gain more of an understanding of YHWH or of what many of His children suffer. See, He is our Father. And as a Father, He has given all His children a gift. And that is the gift of life. So many take advantage of it. Some run rampant in selfishness and greed. Others run around aiding anyone and anything, others take care of the land and help feed us, others are healers, others teachers etc etc. And some, for some odd reason, are given the gift of living a million lives in a single lifetime. Walking amongst the rich and the poor. Amongst the sick and the healthy and sharing story upon story until their time here is completed. Some are confined to a life within their bodies, yet their bodies don’t work like ours do. While most of us look upon them with admiration or sympathy, their lives actually touch peoples hearts and can reveal the truth of who one is. Be it good or bad, they can be aids to YHWH in such amazing and special ways.
Currently, I am adjusting to walking with an aid. I could cry, and I have. But I’d rather make it fun. The pain often makes it hard. For it is becoming more often than not, that my long bones feel like they are breaking in half. Sometimes it is mild, other times I want to scream, but I don’t. I just grunt it out. Grunt grunt grunt…..and some fierce looks. Oh yea. I’d much rather scream, but grunting has become its translation.
And personally, I’d rather utilize my new tool, not only as my extra limb, but, hey, what a way of turning on and off light switches! Wow, what a way of grabbing my grandchildren as they run by, Or I could use it as a sword to swing in play. Or as my youngest and I have already done, created our own games with. So, I’d much rather laugh instead of cry. But in all honesty, some days it is hard. Some hours I feel wonderful, like absolutely nothing is wrong, then out of nowhere, I get hit. Sometimes so hard, sometimes lightly. And there is no consistency in where the pain will come. It just goes anywhere it wants to and at any time it chooses. The vertigo is enough to drive the sanest person to madness, but I laugh it off, or at least I try to, or just say nothing at all and give funny looks. I always give funny looks anyways, so what if I now make even stranger ones. Right? And brain fog? Uh…what’d I do 5 minutes ago? Oh, I wrote what? Oh yea! I remember that. Oh, it wasn’t that? Scratching head….ok, whatever. Yup! Yes….
An interesting experience I have now gained is the understanding of what cold intolerance means. And it’s not what I thought it meant. No, it means…if there is any cold such as opening your freezer, you may as well be in your birthday suit amidst the polar bears jumping into sub zero water. YES, That is what I learned cold intolerance means. Shivering at the thought! Been there, done that. Let’s not do that again, until we hit the frozen section in the super market. (I’ll be the one with a winter coat on in the midst of summer! Yup Yup Yup!)
My sanity within all this is my best friend and husband, Minister QuietBuck, along with our family. He has been WONDERFUL throughout all this. Even scolding me when I try to walk and act normal. Which sounds bad, but it isn’t, for when I try, I tend to lose balance and make a fool of myself. Then he will toss me my walking stick or cane with a firm look. “It’s a tool, use it!” Meanwhile, the little girl inside me is saying….”Yes sir, I will.” Head hanging down….just wishing I could feel like I did just a mere 3 1/2 months ago. I will say this….when he was in the garage sanding down a walking stick for me, and brought it to me, it brought tears to my eyes. Not for the sake of needing an aid, but for the love put into it. That caring gesture, of she doesn’t have a cane yet, what can I do to help her. It touched me so deeply, he’ll never know what that means to me. As currently, this time is very hard on him. He is now the sole provider, he has to watch as sometimes the pain hits so hard I can’t stop crying. He sits and watches and can’t do anything to stop the pain. So his gestures mean the world to me. I want to help more. I want to do more…and currently I am confined to our home. Our garden is part of my sanity, and it’s straggly self is starting to grow….my contribution is the garden at the moment. Not much more than that. (Or perhaps a good laugh once in a while, I hope). He loses money due to driving me around to dr. appt.s It is difficult for him, yet he holds strong like the buck that he is. And I love him deeply for it.
In all of this, I have never asked YHWH why. I figure, He knows I love Him, and perhaps He is teaching me something within all this. Perhaps it is to have more empathy towards those who struggle with pain, perhaps it is to slow me down, since I have been running like a bull for so many years. Or it’s part of my spiritual battle. Or not. Perhaps it is just a way of Him sharing something with me that I must know for the future…or I am just getting old and I have to learn to deal with it. Whatever it is, I don’t ask why. I only ask that I gain understanding. I will add, however, that I do plan to ask Him to help me with one major item. To quiet my mouth so I won’t whine about it. That I walk forward with a smile and not tears. That is what I plan to ask of Him.
For His Glory and His Glory only!